The NHL Is Proof The Simulation Is Broken

I swear to God, we’ve broken the simulation. The NHL is just broken. I’m not going to lie to you all, I have been the epitome of Bo Burnham’s lyric “Yeaaah, I am not feeling good” from Shit for the past few days. Now looking at the recent events and stories, we can all see the NHL is just a disaster and I cannot help but feel like the timeline has split.

Let’s rewind: we have Brady Tkachuk getting bit by Brendan Lemieux which was a clusterfuck in and of itself. How, in a situation outside of life or death and/or sex, do you just bite someone? I still simply cannot understand that. The only person I know that actively tries to bite people is my 3-year-old nephew and even then he has really chilled out on that by the crisp age of 3. Just a flat-out insane person move to go out to work and bite a guy. Could you imagine being in a meeting, arguing with some guy from another branch, and he fucking bites you?! I for one cannot but that just adds to the preposterous love we all have for pro sports – these are just people going to work for our entertainment. (That’s a whole other blog entirely)

Anyway, that happens, Lemieux is chucked from the game, Tkachuk and the Sens go on to lose that game 4-2. Afterward, Brady has to do media, and oh boy did that guy not hold back.

Love to see it from Brady because he’s right, that guy is a brick head. But my friends, it does not end there. Not for a single fucking second. John Cougar Calleencamp of Twitter paid Gilbert Gottfried to read Tkachuk’s comments because Morgan Freeman was not available.

I didn’t know I needed to hear that so desperately until now. I hope someone shows Brady Tkachuk. I would make that my ringtone. And while that is still getting figured out, Jonathan Quick (who was on the bench) is saying Lemieux didn’t bite him. Didn’t know you had eagle vision to see that all the way from the bench, Quick but nice try.

All while this is going on, Montreal cleaned house on their upper management. Montreal axed their GM and Executive Vice President Marc Bergevin, their assistant GM Trevor Timmins, and their senior VP, public affairs and communications man Paul Wilson — all in one go. After the miraculous Stanley Cup run of last season, Montreal has started the season 6-16-2 and they just lost about an hour ago to the Canucks, who aren’t much better off at 7-14-2. This was a “yeah, no shit” firing in my mind, I’ve felt like it’s been coming for a while. Even before the Cup run, when Montreal was struggling, it felt like Bergevin’s job was on the rocks. Now with the season starting this bad, someone had to go. They lost key players in the off-season and that derailed them off a cliff.

Then, to really cap off this “we’re 100% being hunted by the TVA”-esque blog, the Jets vs Coyotes game tonight. First, look at the final score and shot counts:

What? How do you — wha– I mean sure at this point in the blog. And you’ll never guess who scored that lone goal.

None other than Loui Eriksson and Antoine Roussel because why not?

But also big ol’ shoutout to Karel Vejmelka, the Yotes now 2-9-1 goaltender, who posted his first-ever NHL shutout after stopping those 46 shots on net. It’s crazy that a team as good as the Jets couldn’t get one against the team currently 5-15-2. They tried but damn near nothing was working. A severely unexpected win for the Coyotes and more proof that we’re all TVA Varients here. (If that makes no sense, I haven’t actually watched Loki)

Bonus Content: We just had a “fuck you” match between player and ref at the Seattle vs Buffalo.

So there is my proposition as to why the NHL has felt unhinged lately. To sum it all up: I have become the embodiment of this specific Anthony Rizzo gif. All of my teams are dog shit, players are biting each other (outside the confines of life or death and/or sex), our pets’ heads are falling off – and it’s not even the fucking All-Star break.

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