Declaring Bird Civil War

Welcome to the Bird Civil War. Once upon a time, the birds of my .6 acre plot of land lived in harmony. We have all kinds of birds back there and we feed them, of course. There are some different kinds doves, some blackbirds, a woodpecker (named Woody), a bluejay (his name in Mordecai). Then there are 2 crows that live across the street but they visit a lot. You have a lot of Robins (especially one real fat one that just sits in the grass all day). We have some sparrows here or there. We also have a bright red cardinal who recently brought around a girlfriend. There was no fighting, no hatred. The only beef they had was with the squirrels– Lenny, George, Momma, and Sanheim. Even then they didn’t fight much, Lenny just wanted to be friends and the birds didn’t like that too much. (I could write 600 blogs about Lenny he is the best) But regardless, there was no violence.

Then we put up new suet cakes.

The original suets were okay. All the birds hung out around it and just ate, still peaceful. Well recently we got some “high energy” suet cakes and I think it was laced with crack cocaine. The birds have begun an all out civil war on this little chunk of land.

It’s basically one type of bird against every other kind in the yard.

These brown dove-lookin’ birds (I can’t find the name) have overrun the bird feeders and they are angry. I’ve taken to just calling then Dicks because they try to fight everyone. Usually, if any of the birds fight, they don’t fight each other. These one will fight anyone else that lands on the suet cake AND they’ll fight each other. Then they’ll gang up on the other birds because there is at least 15 of them. When they’re on the ladder or the suet holder, no other bird is allowed in the vicinity or they’re getting pecked off. They’re dicks.

The ones they mainly try to fight are common blackbirds. I have no beef with these birds. They just hang out, do their thing. But the new infringement on their land has pissed them off a bit. The sparrows, cardinals, and woodpecker don’t even try to fight the Dicks. They’re too small so they just scurry away. The blackbirds are the same size so they’ll fight back. So far, for the past 2 days, when the Dicks aren’t fighting each other, they’re fighting a blackbird who is trying to eat some suet.

It’s gotten to the point where the Dicks will follow the blackbirds after they leave to suet to keep bullying them. It’s insane. I’ve never seen this much bird aggression in my life. For a good minute, they sat on a branch and 3 of the Dicks kept pecking at one single blackbird. Now the blackbirds are getting the robins involved because the blackbird with peck at the robin when they come close.

Due to the ongoing conflict, I am declaring the Hamilton residence under a state of Bird Civil War. I hope the birds can go back to their peaceful ways of co-existing and fearing only the natural predators (the two crows and single hawk that fight each other all the time). I am hoping there are no casualties in this conflict but we must remain vigilant and never buy “high energy” bird food.

In the words of the wise Ulysses S. Grant: “I have never advocated war except as means of peace, so seek peace, but prepare for war. Because war… War never changes.”


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