The Bears Did Something This Weekend That Finally Didn’t Piss Me Off

Ok, I know this is old news at this point, but I was doing wedding shit with the Mrs. and the in-laws this weekend so I didn’t have time to get this out there earlier, but whatever. The biggest story of the weekend is that the Bears finally (hopefully) got their QB of the future in former Ohio State Buckeye, Justin Fields. It obviously cost them a lot to get their guy, but franchise QBs don’t grow on trees. The Bears gave up their first and fifth round picks this year as well as their first and fourth round picks next year in order to move up 9 spots and grab the 2-time Big 10 Player of the Year.

When the graphic flashed across the screen on Thursday night and it said the Bears had traded up and were on the clock, I thought “Oh boy, here we go again.” But then the Bears took Fields and I loved the pick. Could it be that that conglomerate of dipshits that make up our front office actually nailed a first round pick for once? I couldn’t believe my eyes/ears. So after thinking about it nonstop for the past few days I’ve come to the conclusion that this pick comes from the top. That’s right, that old bat Virginia McCaskey walked into the war room on Thursday morning and demanded the attention of the room as only this intimidating presence can:

She strolls to the center of the room and clears her throat.

“Alright you jabronis! You’ve set this historic franchise back at least 10 years with the mind numbingly stupid after mind numbingly stupid 1st round picks you’ve made over the past few years. I don’t care what that vampire Mel Kiper or pretty boy Todd McShay thinks we need or what you nerds with your calculators and pocket protectors thinks is the steal of the draft. This pick is my call and I want you all to listen real good…”

Now what most people don’t know is ole Virginia is a hockey mom at heart and she has a soft spot in her heart for Miracle (mostly because she thinks that Kurt Russel is real looker, but that’s neither here nor there). So she gathered all these little beta boys we call our front office around and they stared up at her hoping to learn something about football for the first time in their lives.

And with all eyes on her, Virginia delivered the following speech (paraphrasing her Hollywood crush as he portrayed the late, great Herb Brooks) that will change the Bears future forever:

“Great moments are born from great opportunity, and that’s what you have here tonight, boys. That’s what you’ve snaked yourselves into here tonight. One draft; if I let you draft ten times, you might fuck up nine. But not this draft, not tonight. Tonight, we get our guy. Tonight we don’t draft a total bust, and we start to light up the scoreboard because we can. Tonight, we draft the best quarterback in the NFL. You were born to be morons—every one of you, and I’m begging you to not let me down for once tonight. This is your time. Their time is done. It’s over. I’m sick and tired of hearing about what a great quarterback the Packers have. Screw ’em. This is your time. Now go out there and take Justin Fields!”

So there you have it! The Bears have their guy and we’re ready to get our hearts broken again. Until that happens over the next 2-3 years enjoy some Justin Fields highlights from college. Keep the Kleenex nearby, you’re gonna need it.