True Life: The Ham’s Are Quarantined – Part Un

Being a kid in your twenties during this quarantine is a special time to be alive.  You’re living with your best friends, nobody has any real responsibilities beyond replying to 2 or 3 emails a day pretending to be “working from home”.  You can drink, smoke, and eat whatever you want under the caveat “Well, what else are we guna do?”.  Streaming networks have never been more prevalent, and even though sports aren’t on, there’s plenty out there to get your rocks off.  Unless…

You’re me.  An almost 28 and a half year old male, who lives with his parents, his twenty year old sister, and his ten year old brother, in the suburbs of Chicago.

On Monday, March 16, 2020 @ 9PM, Illinois closed all bars, restaurants, and multiple other social gathering places thus beginning, in my professional opinion, the actual definition of a quarantine. Hilarity ensues…

The entire family was home together, all day, everyday, beginning on March 17th, St. Pattys Day.  That first day my dad and younger brother spent much of the sunlight hours in the backyard making forts and creating a huge bonfire from every stick that had fallen to the ground in the winter months.  Meanwhile, my mom, sister and I watched TV and scrolled twitter to engage in chatter about where every NFL free agent went, while sprinkling in fun Corona facts and statistics.  At nightfall the entire family engaged in a family feud-esque competition of which channel we should watch.  We all hated each other after about 1 hour and decided just to watch the replay of the 2010 Blackhawks playoff game against the Predators in game 2 of the quarterfinals (even though it was a shitty game, Hawks won, but Jesus NBCSN play the hits).

That first day was rough, but the real fun started the next day, when you could clearly see after only one day crammed together, there could be a murder afoot.

*All Times In Central Standard Time (CST)*

3/17/20 – 10:00PM

Watched the new Bert Kreischer special on Netflix with my mother and father.  Some awkward moments.  Amazing special, did not enjoy Bert describing an aggressive blowjob with my mother in the room.  Shit happens.

3/17/20 – 11:00PM

Parents go to bed.  Go to grab beer from the local gas station.

3/17/20 – 11:15PM

Call my brother in NYC to vent about how after 1 day I do not believe I will survive this.

3/18/20 – 5:00AM

Watch every Bert Kreischer special on Netflix with my 20 year old sister (including the new one I just watched with my parents).  Again, there were some parts I pretended to be on my phone and not hear, ya know, cuz my 20 year old sister was in the room.

3/18/20 – 5:15AM

Turn on Cheers and fall asleep (Cheers fucks, pound sand if you don’t like it).

3/18/20 – 10:00AM

Dad wakes me up in aggressive fashion.  I thought a relative died. Nope.  His car’s transmission is “FUCKED” and he needs me to go with him to my mom’s office to get her car so he can run errands.  Why I was needed in this equation I still don’t know.

3/18/20 – 10:10AM

Stop for darts on the way to get mom’s car (darts are slang for cigarettes kids), because in these trying times you need to chug a dart every now and again.

3/18/20 – 10:30AM

Wake up my 10 year brother after his night of binging youtube, eating cookies, and feeling like a king on the best snowday of his life, just to start his E-Learning homework (if you know, you know.)  He hammers some Eggo waffles, making approximately 30 “Eleven from Stranger Things” references, and we churn through the real school subjects like math, science, social studies, and English.  I’m a nice guy so I let him finish off the day with a fake school subject like “music”.

3/18/20 – 12:15PM

My dad gets home from errands with 88 rolls of toilet paper.  That’s it.  Now I know what you’re thinking…

  1. How was he able to purchase so much in these times of crisis?
  2. What a fucking asshole! That is way too much, save some for the people who need it!

Answer 1: He has made friends with the cashier at the local grocery store a got a “deal”.

Answer 2: He bought this for everyone on our block.  He walked around our street passing out toilet paper to the neighbors like the goddamn Kris Kringle of Craps.

3/18/20 – 12:45PM

My 10 year old brother, finishes his “Music” assignment.  The assignment is “Pick a song you like and write about how it makes you feel”  He is in fourth grade.  This was his response.

IMG_5901

Song: Senorita by Shawn Medes and Camila Cabello

Translation: How I feel about the song is it makes me energized.  If I’m tired, [it] makes me chill and feel good.

So news for you nerds.  If you wanna feel energized or chill, Senorita is the cure.  If it works for a 10yr old, it works for you. Quitcha bitchin.

PS: He put the tilde over the “T”. He’s tryin’.

3/18/20 – 5:10PM

I cook dinner for my family, cuz ya know I’m a nice guy.  My mom loves working out and her gym has closed.  Also, as a part of my brother’s E-Learning, he is “required” to do some sort of recess everyday.  After properly sauteing the meat for the stir fry, wilting the spinach to perfection, and reducing the homemade teriyaki sauce, I turn around to see this bullshit…

Look at these idiots.  It’s like an episode of “the whitest kid’s you know” but with no cool background music.  Just. Sad.

3/18/20 7:00PM

My mom and I watch the movie “YESTERDAY”.  The basic plot is it’s modern day and after a world wide blackout a failing musician is the only one who remembers who The Beatles are or any of their songs.  They just never existed.  Anyway, we had some red wine, both cried at the end for no explicable reason than we had been in purgatory for the last 2 days, and had been interrupted by other family members approximately 40x.

3/18/20 – 9:00PM

My dad decided now is the best time to repair and repaint the concrete porch goose.  Repaint.  In the garage.  With Spray Paint.  With the door closed.  Again can’t blame him.  Who doesn’t need to huff a little paint in these trying times.

PS – my little brother helped him, not sure how that’s going to affect his math grades (shrug emoji)

IMG_5895

3/18/20 – 10:45PM

My little brother, OK his name is Jack, I’ve tweeted about him 1000x before, kid is a living cartoon, loses his tooth.  Now I know what your thinking: “Wow, How exciting!”.  No.  Not this stupid tooth.  It’s been loose for 3 weeks, like dangling by a thread but he was too afraid to pull it out.  Shout out to those Keebler Elves and their Fudge Stripe cookies for finally getting that shitty tooth out of his head.  Ended up only giving him $3 for that tooth.  Be better next time, Jack.

3/18/20 – 11:45PM

Turn on Cheers.  Fall Asleep.


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